Random emotional thoughts....

I have so much on my mind today, I am just not sure what to write. It is the same way I feel about all of the things I have to do. Where do I even begin? I have been feeling so lonely lately and that is just downright sad because I have so many people around me. I get in moods like this though and I start shutting people out. It is almost like I don't want them to see the real me. Then I start questioning who the real me is. God has really been working on me a lot lately and trying to show me my potential. If you are not a Christian you will not understand this. How can God show me something? How can God work on me? When you have a close relationship with him and spend time with Him in prayer and worship He speaks to you. Sometimes it isn't what you want to hear. Sometimes it hurts bad. Sometimes He reveals things in you that you want to forget. Funny thing is that you just can't hide it from Him. He is all knowing. I am struggling so much with my self esteem. I see so much ugliness in myself and wonder why and how people would want to be a friend too me. I feel so much like my life is out of control. It isn't but I have some major control issues. I expect perfection out of myself and those around me. Who am I to expect such things. No one is perfect. I want everything in my life to run so smoothly and MY way but that isn't always God's way. I am trying to learn that because things aren't always my way that isn't a bad thing. Take this pregnancy for instance. I would not have planned things this way. BUT there was a reason God chose to bless us this way and at this time. I might not see it not and I might never see it but I need to learn to relax and lean on God. I have so many fears about being a mother to another child but if I share that I make myself so vulnerable to others. I don't want people to see my weaknesses. It is as if people won't respect me as much. I wonder how we are going to financial be able to afford another child. Maybe it is more of a Faith issue. Aren't I the person always says that If God brings you to it, He will see you through it. It is so easy to say the stuff but I need to get it hidden in my heart and truly believe it. I guess if U had to chose a few words to explain how I feel right now they would be overwhelmed, disordered, sad, worried and confused. I need to meditate on Philippians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-mediate on these things. " Maybe if I focus on these things I will stop dwelling on my worries and fears and imperfections.