Thursday, June 21, 2007

Need Prayer

I hate even posting this because I don't want to be so down and negative. This is so not me and I think that is what is making it so much harder for me right now. I am really going through some ugly depression. In fact yesterday it was so horrible that my hubby came right home. I was a wreck and couldn't stop crying.
Kiarrah has been out of control and the boys have been EXTREMELY fresh and defiant. I don't know if it is because the baby is coming or what. They are out of school as of next Tuesday. Yesterday I was trying to get some things done around the house because I want to be alittle more organized for when Gracie comes. Also I have a lifegroup coming to help clean my house and I just need to get some stuff put away so it will be easier for them. Anyway my doorbell rings and it is some lady telling me that my daughter has been hanging out the window for the past 5 minutes. She opened the window which was locked mind you and then proceeded to open the screen. I was in shock and so embarrassed. The lady proceeds to speak to me like I am a horrible parent. I didn't know how to respond. I was in shock. I came back in the house and proceeded to breakdown. I called my husband and just sobbed. I started having horrible contractions and knew I needed to calm down and get a grip. He called me back and said he was on his way home. I felt horrible. I didnt want him to have to leave work but I was scared and out of it. I can't handle her right now. I am so unstructured and tired and have some stuff that needs to be done. I can't just sit there and stare at her all day and watch every move she makes. I feel like the worlds worst parent. I have a child that hangs out windows, runs in the street and runs out of the house. She has no concept of fear and no impulse control. The drugs really screwed her up that way. After a call to our church we have decided to enroll her in the Preschool. It is way more than we can afford but if we don't do something I am gonna end up in the hospital on bedrest or in preterm labor and it is still too early. I can handle the boys alone and they will allow me to rest when I need to. They like their down time. yes we have issues but nothing like it is with Kiarrah. I don't know how we are gonna do this but I am totally trusting God on it. We are applying for Urban league but that will take a month or two to go through approval so we will need to pay for it until then.They are working with us on it and that is a huge blessing. Can you please just agree with us in prayer that God will provide? It would cost me more to have someone come to the house to help out and it would be more stressful with another person here. Everyone has plans for the summer or jobs or their own responsibilities so it is crazy. Also could you pray that I can get through this dark period. I am very scared of dealing with post partum because of having a strong history of depression already. I went off meds when I got pregnant for fear it could hurt the baby. There is not enough research out there to show it won't.
I feel very vulnerable sharing all this but I need help and prayer. Thanks for listening. If I am quiet this is why.