Abandonment Issues

While we were at church on Sunday I noticed Reynaldo was crying during worship service. He had been a little weepy the past few days because we are in the middle of switching his meds. When I asked him what was wrong he asked me if I will be his mommy forever even when he is grown up and has his own children. It made me cry because he was very upset and you could tell this was something he had been worrying about. I told him I would ALWAYS be his mommy and went on to explain how my mommy is still my mommy. I gave him a big hug and he seemed to feel better. This made me see that he really is having some abandonment issues. I didn't see how he could because we got him at nine months but we were also his fourth placement. He says to me sometimes that he misses his birth mom. He actually only met her a few times and never lived with her. I think it is the whole concept though. Like maybe a guilt thing that he feels like he should miss her. He has always been an emotional and deep feeling child. He will also say that he misses his sister. He has always been very clingy and attached to me and gets upset when I leave him. When I come back he hugs me hard and doesn't want to let go. He tells me he misses me so much. That is also why it is hard for him when he has people in his life and then he doesn't see them anymore. He feels like they don't love him anymore. This has happened several times and I just don't know how to help him with that. I have tried to explain it to other people but they just don't seem to get it or they just don't care. I can't protect him all his life but I can try my darnedest to not let people do that to him.

Day in Therapy

We spent the afternoon yesterday in our Child psychiatrists office for a hopefully successful visit. I always hate these appointments especially when we need to deal with medicine changes. Luckily I had a friend that could watch "the butterfly" while we went so I could actually talk to the Dr. We changed the dosage on one of D's meds because of the aggression he has been showing. He is a very much "got to be in control" kids. He was extremely bossy and mean to Little Rey at the office and she was quick to call him on it. He hated that and got very agitated with her for calling him on it. Luckily she got to see what was going on at home. When I asked her why he was acting like this she said that it is because of his Aspergers and she sees it in all of her patients who have it. I guess I didn't realize how the aggression was related. Reynaldo has been having such a hard time lately and Dominic's treatment of him doesn't help matters. He not only gets this from Dominic but also Kiarrah. After much discussion we decided to change Reynaldo's meds. Dr. B claims that Bipolar is always worst in the spring and after looking through Rey's file we found that he follows this same pattern. He might just need more medicine this time of year. The Dr. also strong suspects that Reynaldo suffers from many aspects on RAD ( Reactive attachment disorder) I need to do some reading on this. If any of my readers have some good book recommendations or webs sites regarding Rad It would be much appreciated. Sometimes it is just so heavy on me to take in. I just want my little boy to be happy and regulated. I am going to start the new medicine on Friday when spring break starts so that we can monitor him. Luckily the insurance covered our second option. They have gotten ridiculous about what meds they will cover. This is not a one drug fits all society. It is especially harder I think when you are dealing with a child with Bipolar. The other thing that is a struggle is the fact that Rey also has ADHD and doesn't sit still in school. He doesn't do well on stimulates that would control this. They send him into major cycling. I would much rather have a child that is happy and who can control his moods. The school is just going to have to deal with it. We need to seriously look into our options for next year. I have actually seriously considered homeschooling him next year. That will only be possible if I can get Kiarrah into a school next year full time. I couldn't do it with her home. Reynaldo and I work good one on one but not with her around. I will do whatever I have to do for him. He is my baby boy. It would be that way with any of them. The other issue that I need to take care of for him is getting him into counseling. There seems to be a wait list everywhere.

Discouraged

I am feeling so discouraged today. My son Rey has been cycling so bad with his moods and I just don't know what to do for him anymore. He goes from happiness to anger to sadness so fast it scares me. I found out this morning that he is spitting out his medicine again when no one is looking. Found the evidence in his trashcan when I cleaned his room. That explains the quick cycling.He says stuff a lot lately too like he wishes he were dead, he says he wishes a car would hit him etc. He is only 6 years old!!! Luckily we have an appointment next week with his Dr. I am hoping we can resolve this.He needs counseling but the problem is that there is such a long wait list everywhere. We have been waiting for almost a year.
We have an appointment today with the gastroentrologist. I am hoping he will do some testing because Rey is not gaining weight and is not eating much of anything.

Mr. Crabby Pants Smiles

Mr Crabby Pants did not want to get his picture taken but was upset that I had Kiarrahs pictures on my blog. Finally after some help from big brother Dom we were able to get a picture with the teeth showing. Rey has been so crabby lately and I pray that we get over this hurdle soon. We have a Psych appointment and one with the stomach Dr. Maybe someone will have the answer we need. On a good note he did manage to eat 2 chicken legs tonight after much coaxing. We had to remind him that he loves the chicken legs that I make. That was all he would eat but it was better than nothing.

Cycling

I am so frustrated right now with the whole Bipolar issue. Whenever it seems like Reynaldo is doing so much better it goes and changes. His moods had finally hit a stabilized level and he seemed so happy but then he stopped eating again. It seems like when he takes a dosage that is beneficial for him it affects his stomach and he cant eat. The leg cramps also start. We decided to bring his dosage back down which still works but not as affective. He has more crying jags, my anger outbursts and just lots of cycling. We have an appointment next month and I really pray that the Dr. can do something and can help him. We might have to change meds all together which is always a rough road. I just want my baby boy to be happy. I hate seeing him like this. he just can not afford to lose anymore weight. We already have his meals supplemented with pediasure.
Hopefully we can get through this and get some help.

Yes, God Does Plan Adoptions

I recently got a response to my post When God brings you to it, He will see you through it that really saddened me. The women felt that I was wrong in saying that God plans adoptions. In fact she finds it offensive when people say that. She compared saying that to saying God plans Rapes, Fires, murders, floods, dieases, cancers and many other horrible things. If you look at the top of my blog you will see that I have the verse Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Unforunately Bad things happen around us all the time. I don't beleive that God causes these things to happen whether it be something personal in our life like an illness or something devastating like 9-11. Man kind insists on self- destruction . "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder,adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander". (Matthew 15:19) God might allow us to go through things. I feel that sometimes He allows these things so that we might see the true evilness of man. He wants us to change. He wants us to turn towards him and follow him. I beleive that there are a lot of things that God does protect us from that we never know about.
I do not place Adoption in the same category as a natural disaster as the writer of the comment did. I feel that my husband and I were used to bring my children out of their circumstances just like many other adoptive parents. God sees the big picture and knew the children I would adopt. As far as parents who must give up their children, no , it is not God's desire for them not to handle the task, but if they are not able to handle the task, someone else has to be raised up. God doesn't want us to go through the hurts. In fact in the beginning we were made perfect by God but our own desires and curiousity takes things in a different direction.
I praise God for the fact that some people have the discerment to recognize that they need to place their children elsewhere. I met the B mom of my middle son. She loved her son with her whole heart but was just not able to care for him and provide him with a safe and healthy home environment. She loved him so much that she did an identified surrender. She wanted us to adopt him. She knew we were a Christian home and wanted him with us. I know she felt pain to let him go but her child's deliverance was a gift. " All good and perfect gifts are from above" I don't feel that God's Plan was for that baby to be for us when he was placed in her womb but God knew that she would have a choice and knew this child would be adopted.
The author of the comment uses the word blame. Offering thanks and blaming are two different things. God is a Sovereign God but yet he doesn't force us to do as He wants us to do. We have that Free Will.
So Yes I do think God had a big part in adoption of my children. Look at all the children in the world that are orphans. Is this all part of God's perfect will? There are too many children in this world that are without families that just float around in the foster system. I know that there are people in this world that are going to choose the route of adoption. We are all given a free will to choose which path in life we are going to take. God knew I would be faced with infertility and He had another plan for my life. With his prodding I was able to see what He had planned for my family. He sees the big picture and has my whole life planned out. I give Him all the Praise and Glory.

A forever Family wanted

After a very rough night with my ReyRey and KiKi I decided to stay home from church today. Reynaldo cried all night off and on and even woke up crying. I am not sure what was bothering him. He had been doing so well on his meds and I am hoping that it was just due to being overtired. He just seemed so stressed. Kiarrah was up too asking for water, food and to be held. Gotta love those middle of the night huggie moments but I am so tired today. She didnt want to sleep in her own bed either which meant Jim didn' t sleep well either because she is a bed hog.
After breakfast I decided to take them to the park to run around and enjoy the beautiful weather. It was a gorgeous day. I sat and talked to the people around me and met a beautiful young girl named Amanda.
She had asked me if I was a foster parent. I think she had overheard a conversation I was having with a man next to me. He was there with his grandson. She went on to tell me that she is a foster child and had just gotten into an argument with her foster mother and had left the house. We sat and talked for awhile and I gave her an ear because she was really upset and seemed to really need to talk. I was amazed at how open she was. I told her that she needed to go home and let her foster mother know where she was because she would be worried. I even offered to use my phone and call the mom. After an hour of talking to her I took her home and guess what... No one was home. I didnt know what to do but I needed to get my kids home. I gave her my telephone number and told her to call me collect if her foster mother wasn't home after awhile. She called me two hours later and still no one was home. I drove back out to her house a little after I hung up with her because I was really worried about her. No one was in sight. I just pray that she is ok. I am hoping maybe the family came home and they went somewhere together. I really wish I had the room for her but we just can't do it. I don't even have room in my car. She had told me that she was hoping to be adopted soon. She was just a sweet sweet girl. She is just another child out there that wants a forever family.

Day at the Shore

We enjoyed a glorious Day at the Shore on Saturday. Traffic was a nightmare but our final destination was Island Beach State Park. The kids loved the water and playing in the sand. Kiarrah couldn't get enough of the water. Reynaldo would run in the water and then quickly run out. Then he decided Dominic and him should wrestle in it.
Dominic loved to be out in the water riding the waves. It was a wonderful Day for all.

My little Sweeties

Kiarrah is a Princess I am absolutely certain